Indescribable
The other night I had this dream that I was in an elevator. It went down and down and down. It built up speed and wouldn’t stop. I don’t know how it ended, but I have an idea. As of late, I have been feeling that life itself is like an elevator. For me, life isn’t that roller coaster ride that many people describe it as: a bumpy ride full of ups and downs and surprises at every corner. Rather, it is a dull, smooth ride that goes up and up and up…and then one day it will all come crashing down on you.
Lately I have been feeling…indescribable. Like words just aren’t enough to describe my feelings. Part of me is apathetic to the world around me. These days the cool midnight spring air has this wonderful calming effect to it. The whole world is asleep and nothing can be heard but the stillness of the night. Those beautiful early dawn hours…4…5…6 am. It makes me feel like I’m living in a dream… detached from all the world. Apathetic. Then there is the part of me that feels worried. The end is approaching, like death on his chariot. One will be my downfall. Then I’ve been feeling lethargic. Like nothing could make me budge an inch. Then there is all this anger and rage building inside… gradually building while I wear this faux smile. And finally…there is the part of me that I thought was dead. I feel those strange foreign feelings being rekindled. Butterflies in the stomach, that patter in my chest. Feelings, I killed you already. Why why why… I wish I had been born without a heart. Then I wouldn’t feel this way.
“Come, you spirits
That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
And fill me from the crown to the toe top-full
Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood;
Stop up the access and passage to remorse,
That no compunctious visitings of nature
Shake my fell purpose, nor keep peace between
The effect and it! Come to my woman’s breasts,
And take my milk for gall”
- Lady Macbeth
I have found myself obsessed with you once again. That same strange feeling that I felt so long ago. That feeling that I tried so hard to kill… it has all came back again. I do not understand how this could be possible. I thought it ended….faded…completely went away. But it has not. I feel so sick in the stomach right now. What is it that I see in you… I have never fallen for one quite like you before…never ever. Never.
Maybe I cannot blame Maruf, in a way. False love can be a hard thing to control. He perceives me to be some great “beauty” in his eyes (although I must admit the poor fellow must be blind), but fails to see all else. I hate this. Yet, at the same time, the one that I have fallen madly for, admittedly, is no “great beauty.” I did not fall for his appearance. Similarly, much as Maruf does not truly know me, I do not know him. But there is something that I see. Things that I have always said I looked for…this one is none or falls short. He is so far off from the others. What is it that I see in you. It is a feeling so strange…so bizarre…
Indescribable.
